I did something I shouldn’t have done. I couldn’t pray freely, and I’ve felt gloomy all day. God isn’t quite someone you can shrug off, or utterly dismiss, so I couldn’t make myself dismiss how awful and guilty I felt. I’ve read that remorse is one thing, repentance is another. Repentance is what’s required by God. Remorse is just feeling sorry about an act but not convicted enough to never do that thing again. I had repented of this act one too many times, and wasn’t sure now which was remorse and which was true repentance. This added to my guilt. I did my quiet time this morning, confessed my sin but still couldn’t pray confidently. I felt God was somewhere ‘yimu’ing’ at me and saying:  “Na so, weren’t you sorry only a few days ago”?

Let me tell you. It doesn’t quite matter that you know the devil’s specialty is ‘accusing brethren’. When you’ve done something you shouldn’t do, it’s hard to ward off the devils accusations, cos let’s face it- you truly are guilty. Lol. You’ve given him legit reasons to point fingers at you before God. At least, that’s how you feel. That was how I felt. I halfheartedly repeated God’s promises to myself: “Though your sins may be as red as scarlet, I’d make them as white as snow”, “He who covers his sins won’t prosper, but he who confesses his sins to the Lord, shall receive mercy”. Meh. I wasn’t convinced and still felt heavy and unworthy.

I sha left the house to do my work, still feeling gloomy and cranky. Fast forward. My mom calls me to say hi, and asks me to pray with her on something that needs urgent intervention by God. Can’t go into details but it’s the sort of desperate situation where if God doesn’t intervene, I’d never be the same again.  I had to snap out of my pity-party. I ended the call and walked to the restroom for privacy, locking the door behind me. Tears were already showing off on my face. I knelt down in that public restroom, and talked to my Father. I immediately had to believe that when God sent Jesus to die, He didn’t imbibe the ‘Taxify’ process.

Let me explain. If you live in Lagos, you may know that Uber- the popular riding app, has competition- Taxify. I have both apps on my phone and alternate between the duo depending on what rate is cheaper. Duh. One rainy evening last week, there was a surge on the Uber app. A surge means fares are higher than usual, especially because the drivers available are few or there is a lot of traffic, etc. I switched to the Taxify app, and while the rate was cheaper here than on Uber, the drivers were quite far from my location. I would call the requested driver, and on finding that he’s far, I’d cancel the trip and request for another driver. Did this about 6/7 times and I was blocked on the Taxify app. What’s more, I was blocked till July, 2018- literally a full year away. I was flabbergasted and filed a complaint. They haven’t replied cos they take about a week or more to respond. I think this is because there are many rider complaints and few administrators.

I believe God does not quite have a number of sins to forgive before He blocks you. (This doesn’t mean one should deliberately abuse grace as there’s no more sacrifice of sins left then-see Hebs 10:26 and a Pastor please.) God doesn’t take over a year to forgive your sin when you confess it and truly repent. He sorta replies ASAP. This means you don’t have to wait your turn since He doesn’t have to take separate time attending to His numerous children. Imagine we had to wait for God to respond to the prayers of all His children in China, with America next in line, and then Nigeria. Whatever would we do?

I knelt on the bathroom floor, and asked for forgiveness. I explained that though I was confused as to whether I was feeling remorseful or truly repentant, I was honestly sorry, and the likelihood of committing said sin again was definitely less, by His special grace. Emphasis on ‘special’. I was confident He’d see my heart and believe me.

As I prayed, I suddenly remembered my little cousin had upset me yesterday. I love her very much, but she was quite rude and I’d planned to ignore her or shoo her away if she even apologized, before finally accepting. I called it ‘discipline’. My thoughts then went to the Scripture: “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us”. Here I was holding on to a little girl’s rude behaviour and planning how to teach children to obey elders, when I was a constant defaulter before God. Who did I think I was? I literally sighed in awe at the revelation.

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I revised my prayer and forgave the little girl in my heart. I then prayed for the urgent need and asked God to intervene. Some prayers don’t need many words. Tears and pain are a form of prayer. I wiped my face and red nose and left the restroom way better than I’d felt when I entered, confident that God would answer my urgent request, picked my laptop and started writing this. This isn’t a sermon. I don’t have many scriptures to insert and I’m not an ‘expert Christian’, if ever there was any, but I’m certainly making headway. I think. I just know that God doesn’t think the way we do. You’re there feeling guilty when He wants to hug and help you.

This is just to narrate my little but meaningful episode with a very merciful God this morning. I’m sometimes dramatic, but this truly humbled and calmed me. If you’re reading this, kindly utter a short prayer to thank God for answering this ‘urgent prayer request’ I’ve referred to here, cos i know He will. Faith-major key.

Thank YOU so much for reading this longgg, unplanned piece. I do matter to you, don’t I? 😉

I’d feel way, way, better if you left a comment here- please point out errors, make corrections, send a hug, ask for my account number, etc.



*Photos not mine*